ITV In The Face

The South West. From Westward to Carlton, starring Ian Stirling, Peter Griffin and Gus Honeybun.

Granada. The North West in excelsis, starring Charles Foster, the Bernstein Brothers and Colin Weston.

TV-am. The eighties' morning glory and despair, starring David Frost, Anne Diamond, Timmy Mallett and Roland Rat.

The South. Coast to Coast with taters and toast, starring Christopher Robbie, Brian Nissen, Fred Dinenage and Wizadora.

Yorkshire. Looming brass-band terror, starring Redvers Kyle, Paul Lally and Bruce Gyngell again.

Anglia. The Wales of the East, starring Aubrey Buxton, Nicholas Parsons and some sort of puppet cat.

The centre of the network, starring Lew Grade, Benny from Crossroads and a cake.

Wales. Obviously the most important place in the whole world, with two Lords, Annie St. John and some dragons.

Tyne Tees. The Local Heroes, starring Colin Weston (again), Annie St. John (again) and Bruce Gyngell (yet again).

GMTV. Another morning in a different kitchen, starring Eamonn Holmes, Fiona Armstrong and a working fireplace.

Border and Channel. Two companies that couldn't sustain a full half hour, mashed together into one, starring Craig Austin, Oscar T. Puffin and Rudyard Kipling.

Night Time. The story of the late, late shift, starring a cat, some owls, some dancing light and Dani Behr.

Ulster. Troubled television, starring Julian Simmons, the IRA and a telly on a stick. This episode was completed shortly before UTV placed their television assets up for sale.

Satellite and Digital. GSkyB and what followed. Repeats, mulch and third-division football, beamed from space into the homes of almost no-one, starring the wasted talent of Lambie-Nairn, a big capital G, and a stuffed monkey.

Grampian and Scottish - a parcel of rogues and rouge, starring Tony Currie, Colin Lamont, Kay Duncan, a thistle and the Saltire.

London. Where all things begin and where all things end, with Philip Elsmore, David Frost and Michael Green.